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Words I Wish To Say
How do I tell you how I feel? How does one confide one's heart to the person I have lost mine to? How can I tell you my feelings, when alone, I can barely admit them to myself?

Each day I wonder how you are, wonder what you are doing, and wonder if you think of me, even once, for a single second. Every night I lie sleepless, wishing and dreaming of having you lie next to me, so that I may watch over your slumber, to ensure that no nightmare come to disturb your dreams. I hug my pillow and kiss it, pretending it is you I kiss, and imagine your arms tight around me, wrapping me in a cocoon that will protect me against the pains of the world.

Every word you have said to me, the things we talk about, I remember. Your gentle smile touched me deep inside, where I thought no person would ever reach, warming the coldest part of me with a gentle flame.

I dare not tell you. I am nothing to you, save as a friend, someone you know. You care for me, but I am not sure if you care for me that much.

Thinking about you makes me blush, though I rail to admit it. You make me feel as though I am a woman, and it is as if I would like to be a woman, if that is what will catch your attention. I know however that it is not, but I don't know what it will take for you to think of me as someone more, that there is a person behind the name and face you know, and the reputation.

If only it were only so simple as walking up to you and saying "I love you." The very thought of saying that makes my heart beat ten times faster, and turns my knees weak with fear. I'd rather face an army of demons straight from the Nine Hells than tell you what I feel.

I'm afraid that you will spurn me, and that thought hurts more than a thousand stab wounds from the sharpest sword in the world.

Though I dream that I will change for you if that is what it takes, I know that it is not what you know of me, and I cannot do it regardless. I can only dream that you will love me as I am, faults and all, physical and otherwise. I can only wish that you will see that when I look on you, it is love that lights my eyes.

How can I tell you that I love you? I love you for your kindness to me, how you took me for who I am, and as I am, encouraging me to believe in myself, the truth I can grasp and make my own. I admired you for your strength of character, your intelligence and glimpsed the depth of your soul. I saw a kindred spirit, and I rejoiced to know I am not alone as I once believed. You did not think I should follow a standard set by another, rather the standard I am myself, and no one has done that before.

And yet…

If I told you how I felt, how would you truly react? Would you respond in kind, or slowly realize that you love me too? Or, as I fear in the coldest of nights, you will tell me that your feelings and mine are nothing alike, that I mistook the warmth of care in your eyes as more than what it really was – Friendship. Nothing more, nothing less.

I am a fool, for loving you. You and I are so far apart, that my love is emotional suicide. There is no chance that you will love me. I am too far from you, and I don't mean just distance alone. You and I are so different, and yet so alike… I love you, and I cannot say these words to you because of my fear. I am content to love you from afar, and it seems my fate to do so, for I don't think you'll ever get it. I don't think you'll understand the depth of my love for you, or the whys and hows. I love you for who you are, and in my dreams you will love me in return, for the same reason.

I cannot touch you save in my fantasies, and I blush simply thinking about you that way.

I really can't tell you that!

How could I have fallen in love with you? How could I not have? You are everything I have longed for, dreamed for, even before I knew what I wanted in a man. Love did not come immediately, but slowly, over time, as I recalled you and the times we spend together.

What can I do to make you love me in return? What can I say to make you share what I feel? This longing in my breast threatens to tear me apart, and I hug myself, tightly, but the pain does not go away. My arms aren't enough to stifle this agony… only yours are strong enough.

L-sama knows you're strong enough, for you are strong indeed. You and I, we're the same. You're the only one I've found who's like me. You're the only one who really understands me. You and I, both so alone, even when we're surrounded by friends.

We're not so different, you and I.

You aren't with me, so I long for your presence. Do you feel the same way? I've heard rumors that you love someone… but I found no truth in those rumors. I dream that it is me you love and keep locked in your heart.

But a dream is not reality. I can make it so, if I have the courage to tell you those three little words that I want to say.

But I don't!

Had I fallen in love with an ordinary man, then perhaps –but not bloody likely – would this be easier. Maybe I wouldn't be taking such a risk, but then again, when you say those three words that'll change you forever, it's one of the biggest risks someone takes, right?

Who am I kidding? Baring your heart to someone, the one you care for most in the world, isn't easy, no matter who or what the person is. It really changes nothing that I, Lina Inverse the Dra-matta, have fallen in love with a Ryuzoku, a Dragon Lord.

It changes nothing at all, does it, Milgazia?

I think you would agree.

But until I know more, I am content to love you from afar, to ache for your touch, which may never come, to long for a smile, accompanied by a special look from you, to make me weak.

I love you, even though it hurts not knowing if you do.

AN: Lina's thoughts to herself. She isn't talking to anyone, in case someone is wondering. This is post-novels.

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